Sorry to kick this blog off with a pretty dark entry, but I have been suffering with some pretty bad insomnia through this whole month, and because I can’t fall asleep, I find my mind working overtime, going through every detail of my day. Unfortunately, none of that helps me sleep whatsoever.
Anyway, as a little introduction to this post, I wanted to bring to attention that one of my closest friends-I’ll even go as far as saying my best friend-are longer as such. We had a very ugly fight through both a phone call and text messaging, and it ended with a brutal goodbye. This happened about four weeks ago, and I’ve found myself still bringing it up late at night, when I should be sleeping but my body does not permit it. I’d be lying if I said tears didn’t fall every time this situation occurred, and this is coming from someone who has trained herself not to cry for years. I can’t think of anything more depressing than crying alone on your bedspread in a dark room at three in the morning, your tears flowing, glowing as they streak down your cheeks by the night of your lava lamp (Or any lamp. I just have a lava lamp in room; It’s pretty wicked, actually).
Because of this ordeal, I decided to write down exactly how and what I was feeling, something I rarely do, if ever! I pulled out my tablet, which was sitting on the little stained-glass table beside my bed, and pulled up a convenient notebook app. In about five minutes, my feelings were pouring onto that digital looseleaf paper, and I could almost feel the weights being lifting off my shoulders, even just temporarily.
I decided that I want to show you guys my journal entry, and you can feel free to make any comments down below of what you think. Maybe you’ve even felt the same way, but could never find the words to describe it. Well, faithful reader, maybe I’ve done the job for you.
She doesn’t have anything, nothing, and yet she says that I’m too poor for her. She’s apparently set the bar pretty high now, and I just don’t meet there standard, anymore. She was the one that had no friends when I had met her. I was there only ones that was there for her, and I always stayed there for her, whenever she needed me. I guess she outgrew me. She didn’t have time for me and let me stick around just long enough for her to build herself back up in the world. Then she dropped me. I wasn’t a requirement or necessary to have around anymore. She moved on to bigger and better things, according to her. I was left in the dust, as always.
I have spent nearly five years trying to suppress any feelings that I had to the back of my mind, and made myself numb to the world so that I wouldn’t get hurt, and it worked. I never had to worry about things like this, because I was so hardened to the world that nothing could get past the walls I had put up around me for my own protection. But as soon as I meet a kindred spirit and let them in, let them open one of those doors up again, everything goes to hell. They screw me over like everyone else before them. The use, abuse, and take advantage of any weakness I offered them in trust, and as soon as they squeeze everything they can out of me that can be used for their advantage, they walk away and leave me broken and bleeding on the floor.
It’s people like this that make me want to never put my trust in anyone again. I try so hard to keep my walls untouched, to keep myself in the protective bubble that I placed around me, but someone always wants to get in. They always say the same things; “I’m not like the others,” “I’d never hurt you,” “You can trust me…” But it always ends up in the same way; I’m destroyed, and they get off scott-free.
I ask myself what could it possibly have been that I did to make them hate me. What triggers did I pull to ruin these friendships and relationships? Because it had to be my fault, right? It couldn’t have been them, because they came to me, arms open and accepting. It had to be my fault. But how? I can never come up with an answer…
Maybe it’s not my fault, after all.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy the future posts on my blog. Remember that it’s okay to speak out and express how you’re feeling. Odds are it will make you feel a lot better, and it’s healthy for you! It’s a win-win. I hope you have a wonderful day, and be on the lookout for future posts.
-Sara, aka The Dyke