1. The impossible to please. This is the person that is never satisfied with what happens to them. The type that could win the lottery and say, “Hmm, I really wanted more than this…” Or you could spend all day cooking and cleaning to surprise them, only to have them come in and mention that you didn’t dust that corner over there. I can’t stand this type of people for multiple reasons, seeing that I live with one.
2. The one-uppers. “Man, I’m exhausted. I ran five miles today!” “Oh yeah? I ran six miles and I didn’t even break a sweat.” Yeah, I hate you. Stop looking at everything like a competition and shut the fuck up. I don’t care if you beat my running distance, my high score, you made a better presentation than I did, etc. You’re wasting oxygen by bragging about things that no one cared about in the first place.
3. The constantly horny and sexualized. “Oh gawd, I haven’t been banged in so long.” “I need somebody to fuck me.” “Hey, what does this remind you of?” *Licks lollipop suggestively in front of a poor random guy* “Great body! I bet it would look even better naked and in my bed tonight.” “Man, I would love to get a piece of that ass tonight.” Just stop! You are making everyone around you choke or roll their eyes while you whine and complain that nobody’s put it in you, yet. We get it, you’re lonely and you need to be fucked. We’ve established that, now go sign up on a dating site and ask for a one-night stand.
4. The severely impatient. I’ve seen multiple occasions where someone would freak out at restaurants because their food was taking a couple minutes too long. I hate this type of people that can never just let somebody do their thing while they wait for a bit. What’s that, your cell phone is being too slow? Well how about you wait a minute while your fancy signal gets back from space! Your burger was missing mustard? Maybe if you would have sat quietly instead of yelling and insulting the restaurant, the chef would have had time to put it on. My step-dad almost exceeds this type, with his patience only lasting from twenty seconds to five minutes depending on the situation.
5. The wannabe hipsters. I’m not jumping on the bandwagon with this one. I think there are, or were, some genuine hipsters out there that don’t actually go by “hipster” to avoid the stereotype. I’m bashing the wannabes, the ones wearing suspenders with graphic t-shirts and skinny jeans, the ones that insist on wearing a bow-tie with their everyday emsemble, the ones that go to those steampunk parties and act like they know what they’re talking about when the nineteenth century is brought up. I hate all of you. Stop filling up Starbucks and wearing those thick-framed fake glasses that are considered hip and ironic for god knows why. Stop going to the barber and asking for the “undercut” that every other hipster is getting. I hope these people go out like the dinosaurs.
6. The “learn one thing and think they’re the shit” posers. I have both come in contact with these people and seen them from afar. They can embody the scraggly wannabe skater punk that’s trying to fit in with the real guys. He tries to look cool by doing the only trick he knows, by doing it over and over. You can also see this type of person when you bring up the military around adolescents, when that one kid who studied Army etiquette spends the next hour blabbering about everything they think they know about the branch. Ok, yeah, that’s for the information and stuff that I didn’t ask to see or hear. Go write a book about your accomplishments.
7. The “holier than thou” health freaks. Wow, what a great looking salad you have there. Organic peas, you say? Nice. Ah, and organic lettuce. How nice. Ok, ok, organic carrots and cranberries. Ohhhkay…If you want to be healthy, that’s fantastic. I want to be healthy, too. I’ll tell you that I bought the flaxseed and granola cereal you mentioned yesterday, but if you want to then go on a tangent about the contents of your fridge and your diet plan, I’m going to tune out. Yeah, I know the grilled chicken salad you brought is awesome and nutritious, but don’t turn it into indirectly bashing someone else’s chips and burger. Don’t offer your health advice, either. They haven’t asked; they don’t want it.
8. Doctor Who fans. Who the hell are these people? Are they still out there breeding? I don’t give a damn if you carved a tardis out of a block of wood. Do you even know what a tardis is? It’s a telephone box. You wouldn’t know that without that show. Stop having conversations about who the next doctor is going to be. None of you really care. I’m pretty convinced at this point that the only element that has reflected from the show is the goddamn tardis. Clothing, hats, shoes, posters, all with the freaking tardis on them. You don’t see people walking around with shirts of the characters, do you? I sure don’t. I recently noticed that there is a tardis costume available for Halloween. Shoot me now…
9. The “you need to cheer up” people. I don’t want to smile if I don’t feel like it. Don’t invade my feelings and try to put everything back in place. If I’m walking around in a bad mood and I don’t want to talk, don’t you dare get annoyed with me and tell me that I need to cheer up because I’m bringing you down. You were fine and happy before you came up to me, so don’t act like I ruined your mood. Sympathy is one thing, and we’ll appreciate if you want to sit with us and make some small talk, but don’t cross the line and tell people to change how they’re feeling if they don’t want to, because then we’ll tell you to fuck off.
10. The “depressed” and OCD posers. Why do you guys insist on faking a mental disorder to look different and “unique” or “quirky”? There is nothing quirky about depression, so why try to make others think that? Being sad about getting dumped is not depression. So what if you adjust your knickknacks if they are shifted or out of place. That’s just being a neat and tidy person. Just like when someone cleans up a spill on their floor. There is a line between neatness and OCD. Have you even researched those types of mental disorders? They can get pretty scary, and to the people out in the world that have it, you are a complete poser and a jackass.
11. Instagram addicts. What are you people even doing? Don’t put that selfie of you and your dead grandpa online with #heaven #totesdead #funeral #bless. Nobody wants to see you getting wasted in twenty different filters. Yes, we noticed that you had that Hawaiian burger at the restaurant, why post it at several angles with hashtags that you made up on the spot. Your family and significant other can’t even have a meal with you because everyone is Instagramming their meals. Nothing ruins my day faster than hearing ” Did you see what *insert name here* posted on Instagram last night?” Ugh, I hate you guys. I don’t even have an Instagram, but just hearing and knowing about all that goes on in there, it’s for good reason I don’t make an account.