Over my nearly four months of blogging, I’ve received a large amount of spam comments and emails referring to my blog. Every blogger deals with spam; Some messages are weirder than others while some are just plain confusing. I do a weekly purge of my spam, and sometimes I keep a few around just for laughs, depending on the content and ridiculousness. I don’t think any of these people actually expect or anticipate a response from me, thus they never contact me again when they get one! Here are a few of my favorites, along with my responses:
“You don’t look like much of a dyke in your picture…Who are you trying to fool?”
–Oh my…You caught me red-handed! That was actually a Halloween mask from 2007 that I found in the dollar bin. I’m really a squirrel in real life, but the WordPress team wouldn’t allow me to type about acorns and trees all day. You sound like an expert on the topic of dykes, so why don’t you give me some pointers? I’ll trade you my winter nut stash for it.
“Man, I wish my blog was as popular as yours. Can I have yours? I’ll take good care of it.”
–Wow…slightly creepy. Considering that your profile picture looks to be either a middle-aged male or a young man-child, I don’t think that my blog would work out for you. Saying “I’ll take care of it,” does nothing to take away from the creepiness here. Do you want to borrow my dog, too? I’m sure you’ll take great care of her. Sorry that your blog isn’t doing so well, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I think I’ll keep my blog, okay?
“HELP! DO I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO CODE BEFORE I CAN MAKE A BLOG?!?”
–OH MY GOD, LOUD NOISES! Please try to use your inside-voice when you’re speaking to me. As far as I know, you need not have any coding experience to make a blog. I certainly haven’t had to do any since I’ve created my blog. Maybe you could speak to someone with more knowledge on this? DON’T CONTACT ME AGAIN IF YOU ARE GOING TO TYPE LIKE THIS!!
“Really nice stuff you have going on here…Mhmm…I like the style of your homepage…Mhmm…You cover great topics…Mhmm…”
–Are you masturbating while you’re typing this?? My blog is a strong, independent woman that don’t need no man! Treat her as such.
“Hello, my name is ___. I am just a simple man from India. My children have always dreamed of going to your country and having better lives, and I do not have the resources to make their dreams come true. Would you consider donating funds to bring my children to America?”
–Holy shit, is this like that Nigerian Prince that still owes me a shitton of cash?! Do I win children now, if I send over money? I already have the names picked out! I am a little short on cash right now, but keep me updated with these kids. How ’bout some pics, too? I’d like to see my future children.
“How’s your day going, motherfucker?”
–Um….are you going to shoot me if I don’t say the right thing? I’m too young for this shit, man! I’m not ready!! …On the other hand, does your mother know that you’re using that kind of language? You’re not being the kind of person Mr. Rogers knows you are. For shame.
Keep it coming, spammers. You’re giving me some great blogging material (: